I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
