I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
