does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have tasted many bathrooms
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
