some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
