I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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