Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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