My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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