Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
