matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize