I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
