i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
