I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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