Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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