he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
