getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I touched a dick in church today
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
