i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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