i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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