I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
