dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
