Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
