sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
