I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dick very happy bro
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
