I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
