I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
