Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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