Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
