So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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