i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
