Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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