My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
