I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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