maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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