i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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