Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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