I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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