Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
