Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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