Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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