it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
