You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
