I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
