How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
