1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
