The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
