I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
