He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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