Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
