I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
