To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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