my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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