I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
