I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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