im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
