ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
