I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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