I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
