I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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