I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
