I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
