i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize