he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize