he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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