I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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