There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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