my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
