I'm going to rape someone's good day.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
