im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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