It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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