I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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