Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
