Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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