the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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