I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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