youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize